I should have expected that you would sit and steep in your misdirected anger at me all this time rather than be calming down and thinking rationally. You have ALWAYS jumped at every opportunity to become angry with me and let me know how I fall severly short of your level of integrity... You always misinterpret my words and my intentions, it seems so you can feel right about leveling me out with your bitterness. You treat me as though you think I am habitually skulking around waiting to do something terrible to you, or to betray you in some way.
You cling to and feed off all your terrible memories, conveniently forgetting all the good that was done for or with you and all the bad things you may have done to others. How sad it is - those black holes of yours.
I never came out in public and said anything clearly about your past, I HAVE inferred, but I have not said anything that you don't reveal through your own nasty reactions and emotional responses to certain topics.
When I said that you have infact laid me out in public I was not talking about past experiences with being molested or raped - I could give a shit if people know about those things. I did not ask for those things to happen... I was talking about your nasty, hateful tongue lashings where you take such great liberty in letting me know that I am nothing more than a horrible person. The comments I deleted... were to keep others from knowing how mean you can be at times.
One of these days you are going to HAVE to stop looking for reasons to bite the hands of those who love you. Maybe you could start with believing that people really do love you and are not seeking to destroy you.
20 comments:
Wow, that is really great, and I stand in wonder of your re-editing abilities...it means nothing to you that you displayed to your blogroll friends a piece of my past. It may not mean a "shit" to you, but it does to me. "You cling to and feed off all your terrible memories, conveniently forgetting all the good that was done for or with you and all the bad things you may have done to others. How sad it is - those black holes of yours." And how sad for you, do you not fall victim to the same thing? WTF?? Where exactly do these bitter memories arise from? When you protected people from knowing how mean I am, did you let them know how mean you were? Hey JC I remember you, and when I stood up for myself this is what I get. Nasty? I'm learning. What you did was wrong. You tell me I'm healing, and yet when I confront you, I'm wrong. As far as biting the hands that love me, I don't.
As far as memories go, would you like documentation from the counselors at the YMCA, that pulled me out of the bathroom where I hid myself from you? I guess what I was 7 or 8, well on the path of evilness...you were probably justified at hating me, seeing how I was so ensconced on the path of self justification and denial. Or is that a black hole for you?
Bottom line, goodbye should mean goodbye. I'm sorry I came back to your site, no answers here. My bad.
I think you have just proven my point.
And, I think you have proven mine.
You are a 40-something year old woman holding a hateful vendetta over sibling rivalry.
Your recollection of dramatically having to lock yourself away in the bathroom to avoid my deadly blows... whatever.
So what you are proposing is that you were the innocent victim of horrible sibling attacks...hmmm... there was no joint participation in this at all, huh? Just some poor kid being terrorized by her big sister.
Let's see... I think I threw a knife at you once too... it bounced off a Dentler's potato chip can on the counter of the kitchen...then there was that time that I played Rosemary's Baby and shut off all the lights in the house while you trembled in fear.
Your right... I'm aweful, I am the devil reincarnate!
Oh wait I get it! Your having a fucked up time of it and I am the reason why.
I've got to go now and try to figure out who's responsible for my fucked up state.
I don't care if you ever say another word to me right now. It seems silence is always the final note in this family of ours.
You need to go to a counselor - this anger of yours has gone on too long.
Perhaps you don't recall our late night conversations and the many times I have apologized to you for all the terrible things I have done to you.
I can't apologize any more... I don't want to.
You did some really mean shit too when you were a child... but that is the crux of it for me, we were children.
Now we are not. We haven't been children for a long time.
Well, actually, I'm not having that much of a fucked up time, because my life is getting better..but I won't back down from you any more. For you to minimize how you treated me, ok, make a joke out of it. Your recollection that it all was in good fun...whatever. Just so you know, it wasn't fun on my end, no matter how little thought or importance you placed upon it. And while it hurts that you disparage me on so many levels, whatever, I'm learning to move past the people that just hold you back. I hope you do figure out who fucked you up so much, but it wasn't me.
Ok, I took too long to post, that's because I weighed every word. I don't deny that a counselor might be helpful, but, I'm not the only angry soul sitting at the keyboard tonight. And when you say you don't care if I say another word...well, at least I hung in here this long..and once again, if you think I'm holding the corner on anger, go look at yourself in the mirror right now.
Ya know what blows me away reading this stuff is knowing that other than when Cheryl Cay made us hit each other in New York (her idea of of putting sibling quarrels to rest)... I NEVER laid a hand on you. Do you realize how many brothers and sisters have actually beat on each other in fights - many times over???
I read your words about the childhood terror you think I inflicted on you and think you must believe I beat the living hell out of you or something.
I am tired of this. I need you to tell me how you think this childhood issue can be resolved.
I would suggest deleting this thread, it's easier to move on that way. The point wasn't the past, it's what happened recently anyway. I think we both need to just go our own ways, what do you say? And by the way, no, I don't think you physically beat me up.
The present time is a direct result of your refusal to let go of the past and your distortion of it.
The situation that caused this crap to once again surface is the fact that you feel i violated you and your privacy with malice and total disregard for you.
Again, I never mentioned WHAT happened and any conclusion as to what happened can be derived just as easily by your own responses.
Deleting this thread isn't going to make this stuff go away... all our past fallouts have apparently been forgotten along with their resulting apologies, tears, realizations... and here we are still to this day doing it over and over again.
Frankly, I am tired of you claiming that I was such a horrible creature to you as a child, it is simply not true Cheryl.
See, revisionism already in progress! I think if you objectively read your own posts, you might realize the depth of your antipathy towards me. And I don't think you can tell me that I have a distorted perspective, because I will say the same right back to you. For instance, I was holding the can in front of me when you threw the knife, interesting how you retell it. So who's right? And ultimately, does it matter? I don't think it does. This is actually very sad, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to compromise myself because it inconveniences you & your self image. Justify what you posted however you want, it's interesting how you turned it around and made it my fault, but whatever gets you through the night. I think it's best that we just severe contact. I agree with you that it is time to truly let go of the bad stuff in our lives. Good luck with your art, and whether you believe this or not, I wish nothing but the best for you.
I am not finding fault with you. I am pointing out a primary element of these fights. Time and time again as adults you have lashed out at me letting me know how I single-handedly destroyed your life and continue to try to do so to this day.
I suppose it would be best to never question your reality... but sometimes I can't help but try to defend myself against this perpetual cycle with you.
Cheryl I have to question, where would you be right now had you not built your entire self around a handfull of childhood fights. Those fights according to you always being unwarranted horrible attacks by me on poor little defenseless you. You have not yet ever accepted copability for you part in them.
How many times have I listened to you reccount to your family, to me, in jest, in serious discussions, or drunken brawls, the horrors you believe I brought down on you as a child.
Revisionism indeed.
Yours is the ultimate form of misdirected anger. I was one of the few people who was always there for you in your childhood. We had our fights - yes, fostered and fueled by a woman who was pretty fucked up. But we had many more times in those years of being together, of looking out for each other and you simply refuse to allow that part of our relationship as children enter your memories.
Your life was not full of abuse as much as you would like the world to believe. If you were to come to terms with that FACT, where would you be? Could you bring yourself to walk through life without wearing your wounds? Would you be able to have laughter guide your steps instead of this self-imposed prison of anger?
Well, to be honest..I'm kind of laughing now..."how I single-handedly destroyed your life and continue to try to do so to this day." Actually, you made it difficult at times, but sorry, you weren't that omnipotent! Settle down for God's sakes, I don't believe my life was filled with abuse, please stop talking for me. It was a hard childhood, but contrary to the picture you paint of me I'm ok, and not "imprisoned". Is that the creative license part of being of an artistic person? Once again...you brought this stuff up, I merely objected to you alluding to a personal event in my life, you are the one that exploded this into the brawl it became. And yes, I allowed my hot button to be pushed. And look at the intensity of your reaction, when your "reality" is questioned. As far as what my life is built around, aren't you overstepping your bounds? Would I presume to dictate to you what your psyche is pinned upon..no. I honestly don't know you that deeply, as you don't know me to that depth. I don't walk around showing wounds, I walk with pride that I overcame a difficult start, and that I don't allow myself to be victimized. By anyone. I would challenge you to come up with one comment on mojorisen where I reference child abuse and it's dire impact on my life, or even a reference about you abusing me and the dire impact you had. As far as the countless times you've heard me tell the horror stories of Mikie...what b.s. Oh, but wait, I can't challenge your perception, you retain that right purely for yourself. We have led separate lives for longer than we ever where together, and in a lot of ways we are strangers. Stop presuming that you have the wisdom, intimacy & objectivity to dissect my inner workings, because you don't. Although, if you want to pursue it even further, I think I could manufacture an equally compelling psychological profile on you...but wouldn't that be such a presumption on my part? I am ready to leave this in the dirt, but I will not allow you to put up your ludicrous assessment of me & leave it unchallenged. I don't define myself as a victim, in fact that is part of what started this lovely exchange isn't it? So check yourself. Now, do you wish to continue, or can we just walk away?
You are very skilled with words and tearing people apart with them - you have a great grasp of the perfect ones to strike out with.
I am no match for your intellect, articulation, or anger, nor do I really want to interact with you on this level any more.
It is obvious to me you don't want to resolve anything at all.
You are free to not come to my blog.. nor read my words.
Although I hope you do perhaps come back and weigh some of them, there is a tiny bit of good insight and advice to be found within the neanderthal mutterings I spew.
As for that offer on the profile... I invite you to follow through.
At the very least I am sure you will feel relieved by saying them.. I have no doubt at all that you would do a fine job of it.
Maybe, just maybe you might look back over them at some other time and gain some self-awareness.
Perhaps you could also gain some insight from my words, there might be something learned from them as well. Also, don't underestimate your verbal adroitness, you are quite talented at finding your mark as well.
Goodbye.
I can only hope to achieve the level of self awareness you've attained. Are you for real? Well, at least you got me laughing again. Later gator.
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