I have a tendency to sink into dark places at times (not just menstrual times either damnit). As a survivor, I learned long ago to suck it up and keep my moroseness to my self - nobody likes a sniveling, self-pitying, overwhelmed female... and I find with my age public tolerance of my "eccentricities" becomes less and less. That being said, now you know the reason for my lack of posts.
It dawned on me that if I write my "argh-stuff" here it really doesn't matter because those who are interested will read, those who aren't will move on. The reason I blog is really a selfish thing, a vent, perhaps validation too - certainly not to gain popularity in the blogsphere or to aquire new cyber-friendships based on a facade.
Okay, so here's the stream-of-conscious thoughts d'jour...
I hope everything goes well today with Jamie's confrontation with her ex-boss. I admire and am astonished at Jamie's intelligence and her courage when she expresses her thoughts and reacts to others. I hope the fellow she will be speaking with gains a bit of insight about himself after their meeting.
I'm tired of being referred to as "lucky" - My life, along with my daughter's (who I drug through my self-induced mire) has not been easy. A lot of sacrifices, hard work, learning curves, losses, mistakes- you name it.
My heart smiles this morning because I see the bank swallows have migrated back to town, there is a large drainage ditch running through the business park where I work. Way into the fall season, the swallows will work the ditch for food and mud that they build their nests with under the little bridge at the back of the park. I have canoed under many an overpass and stood on bridges bursting with the life's energy of enormous nesting colonies of these seemingly friendly, dancing, busy, chattering birds...there is pure joy to be held in standing in their frolicking midst.
My heart cries this morning because I think a kitten went for an uninvited ride to who-knows-where while napping on top of the spare tire that hangs from the undercarriage of our pickup truck.
I really, REALLY want to spray graffiti on all the new churches in our neck-of-getting-ever-so-scarce-woods with the words: Tearing down God's church to bring you our own.
Every week I go to the pet store to load up on all the various pet needs at the house and spend shit-tons of money, every time I do I feel guilty about spending that kind of money on animals... when I could feed a starving kid on a dollar a day - seems like in a matter of a year I could be saving half of Africa's children on the amount of money I spend to fill the gullets of critters who sole purpose in life is to eat, sleep, shit, and make more of the same... not too mention make my house stink.
I have a problem with being able to say "no" to friends and peers. Which is odd because I have NEVER had a relationship with another human who shared that characteristic with me. I also have a problem with asking for anything, when I do finally ask it is because I am desperate. Good thing is I have not been desperate in a long time.
Having money is nice, but it leaves a wide open door to the "luxury" of focusing on emotional/behaviorial/bullshit crap.
Everywhere outside has been dusted with the powdery sulphur-colored substance produced by spring-induced horny plants. It is amazing the amount of plant-spooge covering everything. If you have ever seen microscopic images of pollen, you will know that they look fascinatingly alarming with their spikes and tendrils reaching out in hopes of attaching to something meaningful.
I wish I could spell better.
14 comments:
Well, welcome to the real world!! If you were really dumb or totally insensitive, you wouldn't have to deal with the ups-and-downs of emotional waves caused by the awareness of yourself, others or the Earth's struggle with our rampage across it's crust.
Unless you are really suffering thru some disaster, letting your emotions control you is a foolish waste of time and energy. Only the really immature feel that they must inflict their emotional storms on the others around them.
We are assigned to live with the potential to be "basket-cases" - how one deals with this and rises above it is the measure of a successful life ....
This doesn't negate reaching out to others with kindness, sympathy and empathy as a way of life - it means that those that choose to run their life by running emotional numbers on themselves or others are going to be told to "grow up" and/or ignored.
hey mikey, I read your blog to stay in touch and keep current with you -- I definitely have the can't say No gig going on, and I am slowly starting to figue out how important that word is...right now I am exhausted b/c I keep spreading myself thin to keep our list of previous and new clients in the arena. I'm having a real problem dropping the old jobs and concentrating on the new ones, yet I know these new ones may suffer b/c of my determination to prove myself with the old. And in proving myself to me, I find that to be a tall order. Anyway, I gotta run. Going here and there...weeeeeeeeee!
p.s.my opinion: 'luck' has nothing to do with where you are right now. All your choices and actions are based on perseverance and the doing of what is necessary to have arrived where you are right now: your pride in your daughter is there b/c of what you, as a mother instilled in her and your appreciation for the world around you can be seen in your actions and paintings...
Hi Mom! Nice to "see" you!
I think that I have been a pseudo-member of the "real world" since conception. In fact I suspect in looking at you and Dad, that Cheryl and I were bred for the purpose of creating our own real-world middle-class stuff. Just don't usually take the time to jot down the glistening bits of emoti-manure. -- please note the playful sarcasm that generally doesn't convey well in writs.
I can fully comprehend your thoughts on the emotionally-dictated being a display of weakness, time-wasting, and immaturity. However I do believe there are also some chemically-induced reasons for the state too.
Ironically you mention disaster as a legit reason for wallowing, where a disaster would be a welcome relief to the person with the afflicted MO I am thinking of. A disaster knocks you back into survival mode without the time for concerning yourself with "I just don't feel right about..." stuff.
Love you!
Hey Carolyn! :)!!!!
Man! I don't envy you with that "no" thing... especially when the crux of your career is based on your creativity and artistic talent! You keep that up and you will wear yourself down to the point of not feeling like creating!!!
It is important that you say "no" and let the client know that it is based completely on your desire to provide each of them with 100% of you. Any human who is half-decent will appreciate your honesty and desire to do a job right and will surely keep you as a source... and those are the clients you want!!!
Thank you fer being here (and there!) you are one-of-a-kind with your heart of gold... hope you have a great week!
I'm temporarily at a loss for words. Anyway, welcome back I've missed you.
This is the best post you have done since I started reading you:)
~Becky
OK I'm back...taking another quicky break from spring cleaning...I for one have the opposite problem, I can't say yes to anyone! Bugger off! Take a hike! Drag yer ass! Obviously, I didn't inherit the nurturing genes from my predecessors. Must have skipped me...
I'm glad you're back, even if you're feeling out of sorts. Sometimes everyone gets the blues and often it helps to reach out to others who understand what you're going through, who care that you're hurting, and will see you through the down times. Raises us up above the wolverines. Although wolverines can be pretty nurturing...Oh dear, I digress...Just remember~hope springs eternal, and so do stray hairs on our physiques, so go forward this day armed with a smile & a pair of tweezers. Love ya, glad to hear from you.
Howdy Becky - still read your blog practically everyday, but you probably already know that. If I EVER needed legal representation I think I would look you up and beg with total wild abandon for you to reconsider your career path... your da bomb woman! :)
Cheryl - You are so NOT a NO person! WhatEVer!
About that stray hair & tweezer business, I'm about ready to quite my day-job as the task is becoming quite time-consuming.
love and hugs and things to youze!
Here's a hug, use as necessary :)
Well I'll be damned! Like a ghost ship in the night! Howdy Richard... and how the heck have you been? I peek in on your goings on in the figure forum on WC - you are quite the master of your art these days! The photos you send from time to time are always gorgeous...
THANK YOU fer popping in! I feel like we are old friends and yet I have never actually met you in person... touched the same object... your beautiful painting that is, but never seen you! weird huh?
I sure am happy to get your hug... we really should get a cup of coffee one of these days!
cheers!
Mikey! so good to hear from you again. i've missed you!!! i, like you, have been down in the dumps. but we have made it to today b/c we are strong, preservering women!! sorry i don't communicate better or more often. but know you are never far from my thoughts!
love & kisses (& all that mush)LOL
Kindness, sympathy and empathy...words to live by. Irony is my second choice.
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