Tra la la boomdeeyay! I'll take yer pants away...

I have a tendency to sink into dark places at times (not just menstrual times either damnit). As a survivor, I learned long ago to suck it up and keep my moroseness to my self - nobody likes a sniveling, self-pitying, overwhelmed female... and I find with my age public tolerance of my "eccentricities" becomes less and less. That being said, now you know the reason for my lack of posts.

It dawned on me that if I write my "argh-stuff" here it really doesn't matter because those who are interested will read, those who aren't will move on. The reason I blog is really a selfish thing, a vent, perhaps validation too - certainly not to gain popularity in the blogsphere or to aquire new cyber-friendships based on a facade.

Okay, so here's the stream-of-conscious thoughts d'jour...

I hope everything goes well today with Jamie's confrontation with her ex-boss. I admire and am astonished at Jamie's intelligence and her courage when she expresses her thoughts and reacts to others. I hope the fellow she will be speaking with gains a bit of insight about himself after their meeting.

I'm tired of being referred to as "lucky" - My life, along with my daughter's (who I drug through my self-induced mire) has not been easy. A lot of sacrifices, hard work, learning curves, losses, mistakes- you name it.

My heart smiles this morning because I see the bank swallows have migrated back to town, there is a large drainage ditch running through the business park where I work. Way into the fall season, the swallows will work the ditch for food and mud that they build their nests with under the little bridge at the back of the park. I have canoed under many an overpass and stood on bridges bursting with the life's energy of enormous nesting colonies of these seemingly friendly, dancing, busy, chattering birds...there is pure joy to be held in standing in their frolicking midst.

My heart cries this morning because I think a kitten went for an uninvited ride to who-knows-where while napping on top of the spare tire that hangs from the undercarriage of our pickup truck.

I really, REALLY want to spray graffiti on all the new churches in our neck-of-getting-ever-so-scarce-woods with the words: Tearing down God's church to bring you our own.

Every week I go to the pet store to load up on all the various pet needs at the house and spend shit-tons of money, every time I do I feel guilty about spending that kind of money on animals... when I could feed a starving kid on a dollar a day - seems like in a matter of a year I could be saving half of Africa's children on the amount of money I spend to fill the gullets of critters who sole purpose in life is to eat, sleep, shit, and make more of the same... not too mention make my house stink.

I have a problem with being able to say "no" to friends and peers. Which is odd because I have NEVER had a relationship with another human who shared that characteristic with me. I also have a problem with asking for anything, when I do finally ask it is because I am desperate. Good thing is I have not been desperate in a long time.

Having money is nice, but it leaves a wide open door to the "luxury" of focusing on emotional/behaviorial/bullshit crap.

Everywhere outside has been dusted with the powdery sulphur-colored substance produced by spring-induced horny plants. It is amazing the amount of plant-spooge covering everything. If you have ever seen microscopic images of pollen, you will know that they look fascinatingly alarming with their spikes and tendrils reaching out in hopes of attaching to something meaningful.

I wish I could spell better.