...but I just can't think of anything remotely interesting to write about, which is saying a lot as it seems the scope of what I find interesting is broader than many would consider to be so. I'm going make myself do this now.
Today: Fed the critters, ate breakfast, washed dishes, roasted coffee, watered plants, called Lonestar College and had to leave a message for the advisor, prepared strawberries for shortcake, gave a recruiter a glowing review of a coworker from my last job, cleaned the pond filter, moved some pond rocks around, let the dawgs out and in and out again, etc.
Now I think I will take a shower.
It seems I have good days and bad days, and yesterday/today have been sort of a ho-hum low-spot in my energy and outlook. It is pretty lonely here all day and I feel kind of useless. As frustrating as the stuff at work got, at least I felt like I was intellectually good at something.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy about myself, questioning my decision about school again, my eyesight drives me nuts and i wonder if I am making a bad decision about the BFA in painting...my thoughts keep drifting back to the Monet painting at MFAH that Monet did later in life when his eyes were failing him. It is dark and dreary and contrasts much with the body of work he became famous for.
The logical side of my brain is screaming that I should work toward something more in line with what I was doing at my job. Some strong coding skills would definitely provide a return on the investment. When it comes right down to it, I'm really floundering inside...pbbbffft. I don't mean to sound like a total loser caught up in a pity-party for myself. At least I know these moods seem to come and go... and this too will pass.
Tonight Gordy and I are going to try and check out the art exhibit at M-Squared. We haven't seen Max and Michael in quite some time and I could use a dose of Max's wackiness.
Gordy will be participating in his first ironman this Sunday down in Galveston. He is real excited about it. He won't be trying to win any records, his goal is to pace himself and simply complete it. I did some research about good snacks to eat during these things and found a gold mine of recipe's from Dr. Allen Lim. So I will be putting together a batch of things sat/sun for Gordy to have. I don't know yet if I will be able to go down there and watch Gordy cross the finish line, I would really like to see him accomplish this as he has worked long and hard to achieve it.
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I have a tendency to sink into dark places at times (not just menstrual times either damnit). As a survivor, I learned long ago to suck it u...
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As you can clearly see Humprey was looking dapper this morning when I checked on him on the way out the door for work. Stealing yet another...
11 comments:
I know all about floundering and getting frustrated.
It PASSES.
And the one thing I know makes me feel better is taking concrete steps toward my goals. Even teeny tiny ones. Every time you're feeling down, make yourself open up your study book and do ONE practice question.
Also, GO GET A MASSAGE! You'll feel better!
You love art! You need a degree! Your BFA is EXACTLY what you should be doing and you'll do great in school!!!
I love you!
Hi hon! Thank you for the encouragement, and you are totally right about even the smallest steps in a forward direction being good soup for the soul.
Funny you mentioned massage, I've never had one and have at times relished the thought of it... tonight I met a masseuse by the name of Charles. Coincidence? I think not ;-)
G and I went to a show at Max & Michaels tonight. I ran into a fellow who bought one of my paintings at my solo show. He has always shown interest in me and my work - kinda cool, I told him about the whole BFA thing and he was very encouraging, which felt kinda nice.
I love you dearly Hoot. xoxxoxoxox ~mom
Hi there and good morning! I came across your post yesterday but wanted to think about it a little before I commented.
First, I think Jamie is exactly right - taking even tiny steps towards a goal every day makes you feel better - especially when you take stock of how many steps you'e taken.
But I wanted to mention that I think you are experience the effects of a double whammy right now.
The first thing is that you are feeling the effects of a mid-life crisis.
Secondly, loaded on top of that for a serious emotional weight to be carrying is the effects of major uncontrolled changes in your life.
Here is a list of things that I see (maybe not with great clarity from this distance) you are having to contend with.
A loss of a job
No certainty of getting another one anytime soon
A loss of your technical identity
A loss of income
A loss of the immediate access to G and his technical support
Seeing G immediately head off into another world for a bigger and better job
You can't see his changes as you did when you worked together
Uncertain as to how to immerse yourself into new directions
Uncertain as to what those new directions might be
A feeling of being unprepared for new directions
Any of these changes can have strong effects upon your sense of well-being but put them all together and you have a major impact to your sense of identity and your control of your life.
There have been studies on the impacts on people of changes in their lives. These changes have been ranked in order of seriousness. The only ones that I can remember that are more disasterous are divorce and/or death of a close person.
You are a strong person and I know that you will sort through all this mess to arrive at a new 'you' that will have meaning for you.
Just getting started on the direction of going back to school is great. Once you are there, you still have choices as to what directions you want out of it and how to apply them for yourself.
You have many people that love you and are pulling for you - you'll be OK - we know you will - it just takes a little thrashing for awhile.
Love ya so very much, Mom
P.S. I forgot to mention that I tried to call last night - sorry I missed you but I see you had an interesting evening!
I wanted to mention that you need to go have your eyes checked - I bet that you need both a driving prescription and a reading prescription (( based upon genetic predisposition possibilities )) before you get into a lot of driving and reading .....
Thank you very much Mom, I think you brought up some things I had not even realized...good to fully realize the (internal) obstacles in order to overcome them! I really do appreciate your encouragement. Leaving a comment in response to your thoughts doesn't really seem to do them justice, I'm going to try and give you a call today.
I'll be glad to get into school and have the feeling of moving forward back in my life.
I am pretty much on schedule with eye-checkups, the last one my readers are between 1.5-2. The Doc said my distance was starting to go and that I could use some lenses, but it wasn't too bad so I declined... although I seem to be noticing the distance "issue" more now and will probably look into bifocals on my next visit...blech.
Hi - just checking in - found your nice note back to me. I was relieved because I was somewhat fearfully that you would be annoyed with me for being so butt-in-ski ....
Pulling for ya .....
I hope whatever you decide you find peace in your decision, and happiness too.
Don't let the mood pull you too far down, sometimes you have to really fight it to get it back to good.
Love you.
yo momma
The Yo Momma was a test to see if I could remember my password. After several (Dozen) attempts I finally did... I think I am having an end of life crisis... The Golden Years..... My Arse!!!
All I can say Child is "listen to your Mother"! Not because she is right which she is but because she will get you if you don't !! Hi Bid..
At times like this, and I have had many, I find relief by getting deeply involved with something that I had wanted to do but always put off because.. I didn't have time !! Consider this suggestion as theraputic. The absolute worse thing you can do is sit and get (more) depressed. Things have a way of working out for the better and they will for you but in the mean time do something that you have wanted to do but didn't.....
In the mean time take care and get your butt moving... Love Ya.. Pops
PS.... even working as a volunteer ie no money is better than just sitting.. Maybe something with animals again or Kids or plant a neighborhood garden or paint an old ladys house or write a short story or a long one.... The possibilities are endless when you take $$$ out of the equation and you can for a while.... Later Gator... Catch an Aligator and teach it to sing...etc
Hi there Dad! I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner - I didn't realize you had commented.
Thank you for your support. I agree "doing" is the best therapy. For the last 3-4 days I have totally immersed myself in yard chores during the day. There have been a lot of little projects I have wanted to do and amazingly enough, somehow I'm accomplishing them little by little.
The neighbor came over and checked on me one day as I had all the power tools out in the front yard working on porch railings...and he just kept nodding and saying "amazing!"
I've been wanting to call ya and say Howdy... Maybe I can catch ya on this weekend. Love you Dad!
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